NUTS

"The Revenge of Anguished English", Richard Lederer's fifth book on
accidental assaults on the English language, has been released, and is
hilarious. With the permission of the author, here are a few examples
from each chapter:

Part 2: "The Gift of Gaffes"

From: "Playing Politics":

"My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have
people from every planet . . . On the earth in this state." Gray Davis,
former governor of California.

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a
woman." California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." President
Gerald Ford

From: "Making Sport of English":

"If I'd have hit that harder, I'd of missed it closer." - Yogi Berra,
while playing in a golf tournament.

"Leo Label has been playing with a pulled stomach muscle, showing a lot
of guts. Jim McKay

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in
football?" Stuart Hall

From: "Not a Prayer"

Reverend Hammond was congratulated on being able to get his parish
plastered.

The minister said that the church widows were a disgrace to the parish
and that it was time somebody washed them.

"I am the resurrection and the life. Whosoever believes in me, even
though he diets, yet he shall live."

"From: Law and Disorder":

Q. "And, Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff in
this case, was the young lady pregnant?"
A. "The young lady was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."

Q. "Who are you living with?"
A. "My parents."
Q. "Did you have any siblings with you at the time?"
A. "Just my brothers and sisters."

From: "Prescriptions for Trouble":

The patient had no recollection of any memory loss.

The patient states that diarrhea runs in his family.

Before his admission, patient was found with his wrists cut by his
landlady.

From: "Signs That Should Resign"

In a cemetery: Due to the grave-digger's strike, all grave digging will
be done by a skeleton crew.

On a store:
Senior Citizens
Buy One, Get One Free

On a Movie Theater marquee:
Erin Brockovich
Screwed
My Dog Skip
From: "Warning: Loony Labels":

On a package of five-inch fishing lures: Harmful if swallowed

On a public toilet: Recycled water unsafe for drinking.

In a manual for a microwave oven: Do not use for drying pets.